


one step closer to bein two steps far from you

by rainsoakedcoat



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Friends With Benefits, Heavy Angst, M/M, Not Happy, Post-Canon, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 16:01:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21460699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainsoakedcoat/pseuds/rainsoakedcoat
Summary: liam finds his soulmate. zayn does too.short and bittersweet. sad oneshot that follows liam from, what, 2014? to years from now. zayn/liam, with background harry/louis.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	one step closer to bein two steps far from you

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 2017, and with some light editing, I am posting this because I'm mentally ill and sad and I could use a hug. let me know if you liked this. drop me a line @argylesweaters or @ohiofishingdate on tumblr, if you want. sorry this is a jumble.

It starts innocently enough. It starts as a bond that extends beyond what he has with the other boys; Liam finds himself fixated on finding more time alone with Zayn, always looking for ways to get the two of them to press together on the interview couch, to get close, to exchange glances on stage.

Liam thinks of Zayn when he’s not around, sometimes. He thinks about him when he’s brushing his teeth, or when he’s writing music with Louis, or when he’s buying clothes. Or late at night, in bed. It’s these times when Liam thinks about the way Zayn has ruined him; he’s found no one who compares to him, and for the first time, he almost thinks he’s in love with Zayn, until he reminds himself that it’s just fascination, close to admiration.  
Zayn’s got characteristics that Liam hasn’t found in anyone else, like his golden skin and comic tattoos and the way he stays quiet when he’s upset, only to dot his bedroom wall with holes later. Liam’s fascinated by all of it, always wondering how he hasn’t broken his hand yet, wondering how Zayn’s built up his tolerance, which leads him to wonder about the zap tattoo he’s got on his arm, which leads him to wonder what the feel of that golden skin would be to his mouth.

His mind’s running, and run will he let it.

Liam runs a hand down his chest, hot water sluicing off his abdomen. He feels silly for a moment, soapy hair and slippery skin calling to mind a less serious predicament, and maybe it’s this carefree state of mind that spurs it, but he drags his hand down further, wrapping a hand around himself. Liam comes at the thought of Zayn being on his knees for him as he leans up against the tile wall, and he chastises himself for allowing this crack in his armor.

Liam thinks about boys, sometimes. He thinks about them a lot, and he decides that he likes them in the way he still wasn’t sure was okay until he realized Louis and Harry were together. He sees men everywhere that are beautiful and interesting, but they don’t have golden skin and broad shoulders that don’t have a lick of confidence in them yet, and he tries to make the decision to stop looking at boys that don’t look back at him, but he can’t follow through. The first time Zayn admits that he likes boys, Liam almost thinks he has a chance with Zayn, until he reminds himself that it’s just fascination, close to admiration.

The first time they kiss, Zayn’s egging him on, saying, “come on then, come on,” pushing him up against the wall. Zayn’s face goes a little soft, his reverence palpable as Liam’s shirt rides up, and Zayn presses a firm hand to the skin of his stomach. Liam presses his lips to Zayn’s as he sighs gently. It ends in kiss-swollen lips, red streaks lining Zayn’s back, Liam huffing breaths that could almost be in tune with Zayn’s heartbeat, but this is not a film, and Zayn and Liam are not in love. He rubs a hand over supple skin. He reminds himself that it’s just admiration, nowhere near infatuation.

Their interactions on stage the next night are minimal, Louis and Zayn pressing themselves together while Niall and Liam laugh about, Liam trying not to take pleasure in Zayn’s smile, or watch the way he runs his fingers through his hair. Towards the end of the show, Harry and Niall are thanking the crowd, and Louis throws some water on Liam, wetting his shirt just enough to cling to his frame. Liam laughs, uncapping his own water as Louis tries to run off stage as the concert ends. He can hear Zayn giggling behind him, and his heart beats a little faster, closing his eyes in hopes of forgetting the sound.  
They end up tangled in Liam’s sheets, again, and he prays that Zayn might stay over. Instead, he gets a kiss to the forehead and a small voice whispering about a previous engagement.

They continue to have sex until they don’t anymore. The boys start to pat Liam’s shoulder fondly, and Zayn eventually introduces everyone to the man he’s been seeing for long enough that he thought it was acceptable to bring him home to the boys. Liam smiles and shakes his hand, and asks how long have they been together, how did they meet, are they happy, and he holds in his tears until Zayn leaves, with this man he claims to love, and Liam’s left to his own devices, with Niall pressing his hands into his back and Louis and Harry making his bed comfortable for him, getting water and aspirin for the aches he’s going to feel tomorrow. They tuck him in, and leave him with words of love and comfort, and he wakes up and he remembers that the man he loves loves another, and he falls to his knees, and he cries, and he spits, and he remembers that every good thing he’s ever had has left him, like Niall with his golf, and Louis and Harry, and Zayn leaving the band, and the fans never fucking cared about him just like the time no one came to his 16th birthday, and he tries and tries and tries to put himself back together again.  
(It doesn’t work, not until it’s been months until he’s accepted his reality, his world is pieced back together, and Zayn is engaged, and Liam’s pull at a nightclub actually stuck around, and he’s fallen for someone new. and Liam accepts that Zayn is his soulmate, it’s just that he’s not Zayn’s. Liam’s lover is not a perfect match, but he’s happy, and he tells him all about Zayn four years later, when Zayn’s got a child, Louis and Harry have two, Niall’s dating some lovely bird, and Liam’s working up his courage to maybe not propose an engagement, but rather a partnership, because he recognizes the only person he’d ever ask to marry him is no longer living in hotel rooms with him, on the road, but sometimes they talk, and Liam was the best man at his wedding, and Zayn is happy and the people he cares about most are happy, and he just… he lets himself be happy in that knowledge.  
Liam’s happiness depends on his, and he smiles every time he sees Zayn with his daughter, and he knows life isn’t perfect, but he will move on, and he will move in with his lover, and smile at small things, and continue to Skype the other boys, and maybe one day he’ll introduce his family to his lover.)  
But for now, he sits on the floor, and he dies a little inside, as cliché as it is. It’s funny though, he should be used to missing out on life by now.

The last thing he’s got of Zayn’s is the stupid jumper he had snagged from his closet once. He sleeps with it until it doesn’t smell like Zayn anymore, until he’s pretending it does, and even then, it lives under his comforter.


End file.
